***
I hate law school.
[This was the entire entry. –K]
***I was sitting there, trying to think of a perfect defense for our esteemed president Bush, after spending the last three minutes lambasting him. As I do not agree with his viewpoints, this was rather difficult. There was probably a far off look on my face as I pondered the possibilities. A.A. called me out about fifteen seconds in, for thinking like a lawyer. And he was absolutely right, I approached the argument as if I was defending him in a court (of public opinion).
It just happened, as if I were spirited away for a few minutes, and replaced by a barrister of my own (un)doing. It happens a lot, and it's kind of scary sometimes. Like flipping a light switch, all the humor and personality drains away from me, leaves through the soles of my feet, puddles beneath me (though not like urine, you bastards). Replaced with a mini-mentat, if you will, an attempt to create the perfect human calculator, via the law.
Think of multiple personality syndrome. I'm afflicted (and the only cure is MORE COWBELL). And the worst part? It ties into my whole theory of helping people. Well, not a theory, so much as a credo: Help people. Not all problems can be fixed, but if someone comes with a legal-related question, then I think I can at least make headway, for the most part.
They changed me. They really, absolutely, truly changed me.
***
I dream (a lot) about going back and changing myself, by getting on the plane and going to China and joining the Peace Corps. Yes, a stop-gap solution, but also me attempting to live my life. A way to avoid the past 5 years. And as of late, I've been wishing real hard about this, and thinking about whether or not it would be so bad. Think "It's a Wonderful Life," but for the better. Really, all the great things I've done, the people I helped bring together, the lives I've saved (all stories none of you will hear unless I get raging drunk), all of it happened before L-school.
(Yes, I will admit there is a slight possibility that I have done good for people as of late, but I don't see it. I think everyone that I've met since 2002 would be more or less the same without me in their lives, with two exceptions that I will discuss later on).
It comes down to this, over and over again: Is there anyone you've met that you would regret never having met? And for the most part, the answer is a flat out "No." Not that I mind meeting these people, just that it isn't enough to counterbalance the legal education. Most of them just don't mean enough to me to hold on to this unhappiness. (And I really should let go, except at this moment in time, this exact moment, I feel so rudderless and so regretful for everything that's happened since. I described the law degree to E.B. as a personality flaw, and he laughed, and I cried a little.)
However...
I won't even initialize these people, as doing so would embarrass them and me. I don't know if they know how much they've meant to me, how much they've come to mean to me, and I don't know if I could even tell them how they've improved my existence, brought a little (a lot of) light into the coarse darkness. Maybe someday, I will, but for right now, there are things that can go unsaid. Are they the only people I give a damn about? No, just the only ones I've met since my life went and diverged from the intended path.
Time and again, they pass the test. I couldn't stand to have never met them. Are they better people than everyone else? No. Are they better than the mass of people I've met? Hell yes. What is it that makes them special? Don't know for sure. They're both pretty different people. One of them, can't pinpoint an exact moment when the relationship shifted from acquaintance to friend. The other, I have an exact moment in mind. We've all gone in different directions. And I would beat the ever-loving shit out of anyone if they asked it of me.
I realize that those of you that I've met after 2002 that are reading this may feel offended. Please, don't be. I like all of you just fine. Just not enough to choose you over law school, should the choice ever come again. I'd sell you out like a two-for-one bag deal at a Gucci store.
Here's the fun thing: I'm not entirely sure how they view me. After a certain point, doesn't even matter. With them, so long as they don't hate me outright, I'm still their friend to the end. Naive and foolish? Probably, but this is how it goes. Hell, I'm not even sure if they're reading this. If the two of you are, thank you. Thank you for saving me.
No comments:
Post a Comment