Blood Money

M.A. told me that I need to think about myself before others. God only knows how it came up, but I know I'd just bought him a Jager Bomb (Red Bull and Jagermeister), which he described as a mix between chewed bubble gum and cotton candy. That Jager Bomb wasn't the impetus for the statement, at least I hope not. Not that this is a particularly original refrain for my life. Plenty of people have told me this self-same idea. What many of them don't realize is that if I followed their advice, when they ask for help, I wouldn't go out of my way to help them. Often times, this means I just wouldn't help, period.

Maybe it's selective memory, but the last few people I can recall telling me this (aside from M.A.) were also the ones soon thereafter asking for help. I'm going to have to give all of them the benefit of the doubt here and say that it really is selective memory. However, one of the other alternatives is that they're thinking about themselves before others, and the whole naivete/stupidity streak won't let me accept that. It's not a bad way to live. Hell, it's probably a better way to live than what I'm going with now.

For so long, I've been doing what other people told me, for better or worse, especially what my parents said. I guess somewhere along the way, it became a warped sense of showing affection, or grabbing attention, or something. To paraphrase Sally Field: "I can't deny the fact that you need me, right now, you need me!" If nothing else, if I'm needed, then I'm not forgotten. And stuck as I am in this rattrap of a commonwealth (for now), I can't stand being forgotten.

What guts me, really just eviscerates me, are those people that exploit that (that I let exploit that). Don't worry, Kind Reader, I've a good handle on who you are, and if I've met you, and you're reading this, you're not one of them. It's a strange split, really. I have a hard time saying "No," and they know this. And I tell myself all the time that I'll be able to say "No" one day. And someday, I'll start believing my own words.

However, I am learning.

M.A.: Look, you've just got to learn to say "No."
K.T.: OK.
[K.T. thinks]
Ask me for something.
M.A.: You have nothing I want.
K.T.: Yes, because my money is like dirt to you, because it was earned from the blood of children.
M.A.: Exactly. See? You're learning.

Entirely true, except for the part that was entirely false. Point was, I was ready to deny him what he didn't really want. Only problem is that M.A. isn't one of those people that drive me crazy. Plus, like he said, I have nothing he wants.