Tragedian

“Comedy is when you fall in a manhole and die. Tragedy is when I cut my finger.” –Mel Brooks

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We all know how comedians occupy a cultural niche, but why don’t tragedians enjoy (suffer) similar acclaim? Yes, I know that they adopt titles different from “tragedian,” such as dramatist or ambulance chaser. Still, I’ve been contemplating a career change, and I think I might make a real cracking tragedian. The only issue is what type of tragedian I would become. Let’s contemplate the options.

Deadpan tragedian: Keeping a straight face while making tragic statements. I used to be great with keeping a straight face, and then I started buying into my own hype. Damnation. At the same time, I think I can return to the halcyon days of deadened facial nerves. Botox works wonders, as I understand it.

Pros: Following in the footsteps of Buster Keaton. Emotion is a failing I must shed.
Cons: Botox makes you look younger. Why would I want to look like an eight-year old?

Slapstick tragedian: Crazy violence plus tragedy. Scene: K.T. is walking down the street, and sees an open manhole cover. K.T. steps around it, and a tiny piano falls on his head. It so disoriented him that he takes three steps and falls down the manhole.

Pros: Amazing overlap with slapstick comedy.
Cons: The term “manhole” has an entirely new connotation these days.

Situation-tragedian (Sit-trag): Either writer or actor. Probably a lot of “very special episodes” with a comedy every once in a while to spare the characters from their constant sorry lives. For example, winning the lottery only to lose it all in an ill-advised plan to invest in a flying fish fishing farm, or getting addicted to snorting dirt.

Pros: Can mine my past for episode ideas. At least 4 seasons worth, maybe 5 depending on if it gets picked up after the 4^th season cliff-hanger involving the bomb, the faulty timer, and the broken nail clippers.
Cons: Margaret Cho single-handedly guaranteed no Asian-American will ever get time on a half-hour television show as anything other than a second banana.

Stand-up tragedian: We all laugh, we all cry. People pay to laugh, people should pay to cry (or laugh at someone else’s suffering). I guess, rather than jokes and quips, I trade sorrows and sadness? Would require a lot of work.

Pros: The act of tragedizing (trapeziusing?) before an audience is tragic in and of itself.
Cons: Getting hit with rotten tomatoes and heckled is also tragic, though not the right kind of tragedy I’m aiming for.

Improv tragedian: With suggestions from the audience, my troupe and I would craft random tragic scenarios. Game names would include: “World’s Saddest Professions,” “Funeral Dirge,” and “Prison Inmates.”

Pros: Could set up in cities without a strong humor-base, like Detroit or Green Bay.
Cons: In a way, all tragedy is improvised, so it sort of defeats the purpose.

It’s going to take some work. I’m going to go back to the lab and spill some more acid on my hands.