Old Acquaintances

I’m hyper? Honestly, I did not realize this. Sitting here in my room, I’m not bouncing off the walls ready to blow something up, although I would not be averse to blowing something up right about now. For it is easier to destroy than create, and I am looking to get back to playing my life in easy mode. All-Madden difficulty is scary. Thinking back on the incidents in my life, I can see how it could be construed by outsiders that I am somewhat hyper. Still, I don’t entirely believe it.

On a grand Thursday, facing down the mighty all-day meeting, I drowned my guts with two cans of Coke, just to give me that little extra pick-me-up. At the same time, it din’t help. The system is starting to acclimate itself to caffeine, and I’m finding it more and more necessary to flood the system in even more of the good stuff. Well, there’s also the possibility of getting enough sleep, but the current plan does not allow for it (and what is that plan? If I haven’t told you, I’ll probably mention something at the end of the month, because I’m scared of it failing, or me failing, or both.).

When the meeting started, I went about ten minutes before starting to yawn. Granted, part of it may have been because I find the information dull as safety scissors. Looked off to the back of the conference room, and there sat the mighty carafe. It started to shimmer in the fluorescence, and I knew it was time to return home, falling back into the warm embrace of Lady Coffee.

I took a sip, and it was like upshifting to seventh gear. Though we were all just sitting there talking about… Heaven only knows, everything around me started zooming into the foreground, motion-blur starting to dance across everything. I was flying in my seat, scorching into a forgotten realm of tomorrow. Sounds fell far behind, as did the meeting participants.

Before I knew it, I’d downed four cups of the black slurry. At this point, I’d started to levitate above my seat. My fingers clattered across the keyboard with a fervor I’d not seen since the early days of learning how to type. I could actually identify everyone around me by their smell, if only I closed my eyes and breathed. The hazy fog that clenched my mind cleared away in the cleansing breeze. I was so close to Nirvana (oneness with the universe, not the famed grunge band of the nineties).

And then we recessed for lunch.

During the break, I knew that there was so much coffee in my system, it would probably be a good idea to balance it with a copious amount of fresh water. I glommed onto the water cooler and threw back six plastic cups’ worth of Deer Park.

Can’t you see where this is going? Don’t you know I love the scatological humor?

Around 1430, the twinge started. We only had a couple more topics, so I thought I could wait it out. Around 1445, not so much, but I didn’t want to leave. What I learned from way back when, the full feeling in your bladder will go away if you’re aroused. So, to take my mind off of things, I started daydreaming about Zhang Ziyi and Scarlett Johansson. And it worked, until I realized I was daydreaming about Zhang Ziyi and Scarlett Johansson in the middle of a (semi-) serious meeting. So I stopped, and soon enough, the bladder raged on. This on/off dreaming continued for an hour, and made a mess of my psyche for years to come.

When we came to the “Miscellaneous issues” part of the meeting, the table was opened up for questions, and W.J. had one. I actually rose out of my seat, my fists clenched in his direction, and cried out. “NO!” Everyone was kind of surprised. Not me. Keep in mind that W.J. always makes good points, and always requires 15 minutes to make his good points. Argh.

When he finished and I asked if there was anything else, you could not have stopped me as I ran down the hall in a stiff-legged motion, to keep my bladder from exploding all over the place. If you recall the scene in “Austin Powers,” where he comes out of the cryo-preservation and urinates for over a minute, I proved that day that it is not outside of the realm of possibility to do so, from 1532 to 1534.