A Life of Quiet Desperation

K.T.: I FLEW FROM JAPAN FOR X-BOX THREE SIXTY! I AM SALARYMAN! I WORK EIGHTY F*CKING HOURS! I HAVE NOTHING! GET ME X-BOX!

This is one of those quotes that is so much better in person than online. Imagine me screaming this to a poor E.B. Games employee over the course of five minutes, trying to convince her that I need, nay, deserve, an X-box three sixty. Oh, and the poor accent doesn’t hurt matters. Nor did the wild arm waving.

***

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s been such an eventful year this year! So much has happened within our family, and we hardly ever get the chance to see most of you! We wanted to catch you up with what’s happening in our family over the past year!

Our youngest, Sally, is now three and three quarters come this Christmas! She’s so smart, she can count to five, without her fingers! Sally also knows how to use the potty all by herself! We bought her a special pink seat that fits her little tushy perfect! When she’s got to go, she calls out “Daddy, I have to count to two!” The first few times, we had a few accidents because we weren’t sure what she meant! But ever since, it’s been a joy to watch her go by herself! Just like her daddy!

Marty’s six years old, and just like his mom! They’ve both got her quick wit and strong-headed nature! Now that he’s started the first grade, we’re always getting calls from Mrs. Jenkins! She’s always telling us how spirited Marty is, how he’s always questioning her, how he’s always willing to speak his mind! She’s so impressed she’s moving him to Mrs. Fletcher’s special class in the spring! He’ll be with the best and the brightest, nothing but the best for us!

Willa’s fifteen, and oh what a thespian she’s becoming! In the community theater’s performance of the Vagina Monologues, she’s got the role of the woman in the military protecting our country! It’s so much fun to see how militant she is, how angry she can get about her vagina! How she regrets having to protect men with their oppressive penises, and how if she could use her bayonet to cut them all off she would! And she’s become so close to her director, Kristin! Kristin has taught Willa so much, and not just about the theater! We’re so lucky to have Kristin in our lives!

Tara’s got promoted at her firm again! She made partner! Of course, this means that she’s spending so much more time there than at home, but that’s alright because this makes her happy! I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks, but she calls me at two in the morning to tell me about her day! Lately I’ve tried to take her dinner at work, but she’s never there! Always busy, that’s my wife!

As for me, just another year of being a house-husband! I don’t know what I was thinking when I tried to be a doctor, that just wasn’t for me! Who needs all that stress when you can have day after predictable day making lunches, cleaning the drapes, shopping for groceries! Plus, there are unpredictable moments, like whenever one of the kids gets sick at school, or when the grocery store is out of grape jelly! Oh we had some horrible fights about that grape jelly! Honestly, if you can’t eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich who cares!

So that’s been our year, and we all look forward to hearing about your years! Have a merry Christmas everyone!