Fan-freaking-tastic!

K.T.: I’m going to finish this [Maryland Practice and Civil Procedure] exam in an hour.

C.S.: You say that every year.

K.T.: Yeah, but remember for Con[stitutional] Law II when I said I’d finish in an hour? And, I barely finished in the time limit. Ah. Right.

I did finish in two hours, out of two and a half alloted. Someday, someday my prince will come. Wait, wrong lifetime.

***

I play fantasy football. So do something on the order of ninety-five percent of all Americans. At this point, naturalization exams should include a question on fantasy football. Let’s be real, football has supplanted baseball as our national pastime, and fantasy football has replaced sitting on the couch with a bag of salt and vinegar kettle-cooked chips as the perfect way to follow the National Football League.

However, it is starting to lose its delicate flavor and aroma, much as a bottle of wine spoiled into vinegar. We need new variations on fantasy football, and not just the obvious rule changes like starting two quarterbacks or starting individual defensive players. Of course, I have some suggestions. Those of you unable to stomach an extended joke based on bad puns would be better served updating your fantasy rosters right now.

Fantasy Futbol: The heart of fantasy football is offensive statistics. Futbol traditionally keeps track of goals. And penalties. And shots on goal. If you thought fantasy football was way too high scoring, you’ll love weeks of four to three final scores! Thought Ichiro and Nene had a good thing going? Keep track of players known by only one name, like Ronaldo and Ronaldinho! Tired of everyone knowing all the players? Now you can keep track of of players known by only one name, like Ronaldo and Ronaldinho!

Fantasy Bench Football: Anyone can start the likes of LaDainian Tomlinson and Peyton Manning, but who has the nuts to start Darren Sproles and Jim Sorgi? He Hate Me? We love you Rod Smart. Dust off those depth charts and plumb the bottom of the barrel for the greatest backups to never hit the big stage. The longer they go between any offensive production, the higher you score. Clarence Moore is buried so deep on the Ravens’ depth chart, and their passing game is so anemic, starting him on your fantasy team would be suicide. Start him on your Bench team and ride him to victory!

Reality Football: Draft the best NFL players to have made it onto reality television! Gary Hogeboom! Chris Valletta! Wait, that’s it. Hm, looks like this will be a one-on-one race to the finish.

Final Fantasy Football: What if the myriad characters from the Final Fantasy series converged on a football field? Who would emerge victorious? Select your final roster from any and all of the games! Cecil, Terra, Ramza, Tidus, Fighter! Draft your close range bruisers as receiving tight ends, archers and magic users for your quarterbacks, undersized, underage females as speedy receivers, even townships for defense and special teams! Insane? In the words of Kefka, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fantasy Fantasy Football: Draft your team from the millions worldwide that play fantasy football, then score points based on how well their teams and rosters score points. Jeff “Teh M4st4 K1ll4” Scroggins’ three hundred and fifty pound frame might scare you away from picking him for kickball, but his time spent confined to a chair means his rosters will score you a multitude of points! Draft him first overall and listen to the groans of your opponents as they realize your roster can’t lose!