Foolish Children

I was researching MA, MFA, and PhD programs in (surprise, surprise) English the other day and night. What few I found made me realize I'd have to get the MA first, or at least enroll in a combo MA/PhD program. It hurts sometimes to look at these things, because it makes me realize how different my life could be. J.L. did make a good point that, even though I'd dreamt up some idealized version of what I'd be, there would still be that nagging pressure that something was missing in my life. And this is true, but at the same time, that choice would have been one I made.

My alter ego, J.C. (he of the thousands of credit card applications in college) is now teaching English at a third-rate college. He's had a book published to moderate success, both critical and commercial. He's now expecting his first child, and freaking out about what to read to it, what to sing to it, will he be a good father, etc. J.C. gave up video games a long time ago, because he couldn't find the time to play them anymore. He's also become a bit of a chain smoker, something that he's vowing to give up after the child's born.

Really, though, how different would it be if I'd gone to the Peace Corps for 2 years, then returned to pursue my Ph.D.? Well, I'd still now be in school, for one thing. I wouldn't be able to pay the bills, any of them. My hair would be thinning from the stress of thesis defense. I'd be having strange, unidentifiable stomach pains which happened to be the start of an ulcer. I'd probably be in a relationship with a fellow Ph.D. candidate, which would probably just make me want to strangle her and/or myself.

The big question is, how do I reconcile all of this, and move on? The simple answer is, I do not. It's nice to dream, and I may end up being the oldest person in my family to enter a Ph.D. program (72? Will I have enough left in my head to pull it off?), but at least it's something I can look forward to. And, for now, I guess I go to the bank and the grocery store and run some errands.