Screw It

I don't think I'm addicted to adrafinil yet. Note the key word in that statement, "yet." I probably have a caffeine addiction, so why not adrafinil? C.E. probably put it best when he said "[K.T.], I'm concerned about your use of stimulants." But, really, who is to say what is too much? So I have a few Cokes in a day and pop one, maybe two adrafinil. I can stop any time I want, I just don't want to. Wow, I can't even tell if I was kidding.

***

For various reasons, today was an extraordinarily bad day at work. That plus some stuff that happened over the past couple of weeks has me on edge.

I can't be absolutely sure that the person isn't reading this, but I'm relatively sure that, on the off chance they were, they wouldn't get that it was them, so we'll keep this entirely anonymous. What does this mean? If you're sitting at a table for 20 minutes and can't spot the sap, you are the sap. What? No, I don't know what it means.

This person has a tendency to contact me only when s/he needs a sympathetic ear. As I think about it, that's they way it's been for a few years now. I find it hard to strike a balance between telling him/her to go f*ck themselves and actually try to help them, in that I try to help.

It is so much fun when you have friends like that. S/he isn't the only one, so I'm especially lucky. All the patience that the Almighty blessed me with (what? K.T. is patient? bullsh*t.) gets burned up by these people. Sometimes, when it gets down to people that actually do matter, all I want to do is yell at them, make them proxies for those other people.

It makes me sick to think of how they're using me, and it makes me sick to think of how I let them. And, really, that's the key if you want something from me: just ask. Because somewhere within me, I am so god damned afraid of being alone, that I will do whatever it takes in an attempt to please people, even if it means making myself miserable. Especially if it means making myself miserable.

Because, as f*cked up as it is, I sort of look forward to interacting with them. It shows that they haven't forgotten me. Yeah. It's great, especially for this person, because I boil down to a disposable person. Use me, discard me, when you need me a few months later, use me again. I'm a sap.

And I keep telling myself every few months, "Self, this is now the time to cut all the people that are just using you out of your life." Can't do it, too afraid of that, of walling myself away a little more from the world. This is also partly why I'm loathe to meet people. I can't take too many more of those people in my life.

Why do I have to be the one to put forth all the effort, when they're getting all the benefit? F*ck that, and f*ck you for making me sad, even when you're not around. Is it too much to ask for those people to stop trying to find me, to go bother other people? And still I try, on the off chance I might need help someday. And if I ever went to those people, "Sorry, K.T., kind of busy." Why am I such a pushover?

Is this how people become jaded and disenchanted? Good thing this all kicked in over the past couple of weeks, whilst I was most vulnerable. Oh, wait.