Safety Blankie

Way back when I wrote I felt compelled to apply the legal training in some fashion. I have done so, albeit in a fashion not everyone expected.

I am a legal safety blankie.

Though the sample set remains small, I can at least break down the groups. Those that want to copyright, patent and trademark, those that want to get around traffic violations and contracts, and those that have citizenship issues.

I can't help the foreign nationals. From what little I know of it, much is filling out the proper forms and waiting. This leads to awkward exchanges:

V.M.: What do you know about immigration law?
K.T.: Nothing.
V.M.: Can you help me with immigration law?
K.T.: No.
V.M.: I thought you went to law school.
K.T.: Immigration law isn't a required course.
V.M.: Oh.

V.P.: What do you know about immigration law?
K.T.: Nothing.
V.P.: Can you help me expedite the process?
K.T.: Can you give me a website to look at?
V.P.: Here's the website. (Sends email)
K.T.: I'm kind of busy, you better also send an e-mail saying if I don't help you, I'm an asshole.

Later, I received an email saying I was an asshole if I didn't help V.P.

The import of this? I know nothing about immigration law.

However, everything else, it just tumbles out like mud from an awning. Those wonderful outlines I spent months memorizing are now hard-coded on my mind. It is almost embarassing just how effective their mental boot camp was. Young children create neural pathways at an unparalleled rate. By adulthood, that process has mostly burned itself out. However, you can stimulate it if you sit there and read, and read, and read. Old dog, meet new tricks.

It is strange just how reassuring this pittance of knowledge I can dole out truly is. And yet, people take heart in what I say. Not that it is always good news. Sometimes, it feels like choosing among the least onerous options. Still, once the boundaries are drawn, and you understand the rules of the game, you tend to rest easier, or at least know what to do next.

(Side note: I think this is why religion and politics appeal to people on such a fundamental level, and engender the most divisive discourse. Religion is an easy-to-understand [if not always easy-to-follow] set of rules for life. Politics is an easy-to-adapt [if not always easy-to-understand] set of rules for governing the masses. Also why atheism and anarchy scare people. A naked rejection of our best attempts to impose order upon this chaotic existence, devoid of even a semblance of order.)

It is also frightening just how much people charge for the advice I'm doling out for free. Granted, they carry themselves with gravitas and append alphabet soup after their names. I crack jokes and rarely, if ever, sign "esq." after my name. Still, when you round to the nearest six-minute increment to calculate time to be billed, something has gone awry. (Disclaimer: I keep track of work by rounding to the nearest six-minute increment.)