Emotional Disconnect

I swear, I wasn't always this angry and bitter. There was a period of time in my life when I was still innocent and child-like, probably when I was innocent and child-like. I don't know what the hell happened.

I sort of know. My theory about bitter people, and I can't prove it, is that they just cared too much about something which then betrayed them, leading to them hiding away their heart. The first example I thought of was Captain Mal Reynolds from Firefly. In the pilot episode, during wartime, you see him praying and kissing a crucifix about his neck, asking for salvation. Soon thereafter, the enemy carpet-bombs the area, and he just watches those ships fly by. This results in the captain we see for the rest of the series. And he's not entirely bitter, but he's definitely very pragmatic, very distrusting of religion, and beyond his crew, wary of everything.

My dad is fairly angry, but the Chinese government tried to kill him and his family when he was young. He was raised by his older sister. He endured a divorce. There are more details I won't go into. I never knew my dad as a kid (how could I?), but I'd like to imagine he was happier then, at least before the Chinese government came a-knockin'.

As for me, organized religion betrayed me, stabbed me from behind. People, to a lesser extent, have done the same, time and again. There is a pattern that takes shape. I need to break that pattern, and stop trusting, stop believing.

I am convinced these days that emotion is a weakness, a crutch that we rely on only because evolution has instilled emotion in us. And it's good, like the things that help, hate the things that do not. Keeps you alive when you need to survive. Now, technology has supplanted evolution re: the betterment of humanity. We do not need these emotions. And there are many days where I wish to the blue sky that something could take away these emotions, leave me a soulless automaton that wouldn't give a shit.

No, I don't entirely believe that. I just wish for impossible things.