Skin Peel

By far, the most amusing moment of my life (in my opinion) took about a month to set up, but the payoff/punchline was worth it. If only it hadn’t happened to me, I would have laughed my ass off.

About four weeks before I was set to go on a road trip to Europe, I went outside on a sunny day to read one of the Harry Potter books. It was such a nice day, I took a towel with me to lie outside and read. Wouldn’t you know it, after about fifteen minutes in the midmorning sun, I put the book down and fell asleep. For four hours. That was the first time I had ever sunburned. Normally, I just tan. I had never spent that much direct contact in the bright sun for four hours. My chest looked irradiated, red, raw. As a testament to my melanin stores, it actually faded back to normal after two days. I forgot all about it.

Flash forward to my trip to Europe. I was sleep-deprived the entire time (which in and of itself led to another series of great misadventures with A.C.). You think I don’t think and act coherently normally? I was a tour-de-force of mirth and confusion then, but mostly confusion. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Somewhere in France, in a hotel, I was taking a shower in a stand-up booth. I took my travel soap in, and noticed a pullchain with a red handle on the inside. There was a sign, in English, which warned me that pulling the chain was for emergencies only. Lord only knew what constituted an emergency. I turned on the water, and it rushed out. Felt pretty good, nice and warm against my tired skin. I remember the soap was a tiny bottle with amber soap, and I squeezed some out onto my left hand, lathered up, and started soaping my chest.

And then a sheet of skin just sloughed off my chest.

I looked down at the soap suds surrounding this giant white skin flap, hanging away from me, my hands slowly retreating from it. Holy shit, I thought to myself. I’ve gone and contracted an incurable disease. I don’t remember if I’d yet tasted Venetian canal water (because in Venice, I tasted the canal water. This was before A.C. told me that raw sewage drains into the canals), but I do remember thinking that there was something in the shower water that was killing me.

I turned around and stared at the pullchain. Incurable disease, this seems like a big emergency. Had my hand on the handle, cool and metal, ready to pull, when I stopped to think. For once in my life, I spared myself even more embarrassment by thinking. Now, what the hell could have caused my skin to spontaneously slough off? It didn’t hurt, it just came off. And then it hit me. The sunburn. I was just peeling.

Thereafter, I had the most fun I’ve ever had in a shower, peeling away giant hunks of skin from my chest, down to my belly, up to near my shoulders. And that’s the skin-ny on that story. (I apologize, but that pun had to be taken; what is done cannot be undone.)

[You know, I was sleeping face up without a shirt on. Thank goodness I had pants, though. I don't know why my face didn't peel. I must have fallen asleep with the book on my face? -K]