Speech! Speech!

Once again, my life is further proof I should not be exposed to strangers.

As part of my servitude to The Law in general and UMDLaw in specific, I must participate in the Clinical Law Program for a semester. Most of the class options involve direct representation of clients. Naturally, I opted for one of the choices where the emphasis is on writing. Thus, tobacco control, i.e. mistake number two (Mistake number one having been enrolling in law school. Amazing how mistakes compound themselves).

On Tuesday, professor K.D. tasked us with meeting with delegate J.C. in order to get him to sign on to our flavored tobacco legislation project. Note that we are against it, not for it, a mistake that several have made in the past. So, after some basic preparation, and a good hour of wasted time while it got pushed back, me and L.G. met with J.C., K.D., and K.D.’s assistant, M.S.

If I’d tried, it could have gone worse on my end, but not much worse. I coughed the whole time, the throat itch exacerbated by the stress of the situation. I initially attributed it to smoking, rather than allergy related asthma. This made K.D. cringe, since it seemed like she made me smoke for the class. It was my choice, not hers, so that shouldn’t have made her put her head in her hands (the patented cringe response).

Further, I babbled, hit all the coughs and uhs in all the wrong places, clammed up, seemed like a basic fool. It was a mess; L.G. carried the presentation.

So what is it that freaks me out about speaking intelligently to people I don’t know? I have no problem, given the right mood, to make a complete ass out of myself to strangers. But you give me a topic to speak about, and no matter how prepared I am, I just fall apart like a house of business cards.

Part of it is the fear that I’ll have to speak to these people again. Generally, when I act like a madman, its fleeting. They’ll never see me again, I can pass like wind as easily as I break wind. Ironically, even though I know a lot of the time, these people I’ll never see again, somehow, when speaking, I feel a fear that I’ll have to do it again. Yay irrational fears.

Part of it is just being the center of attention for extended periods of time. Again, though they’re probably thinking about other stuff, like grocery lists or how I look naked, it seems like I’ve got their full attention. And that’s scary. For five to ten minutes, I am, for all intents and purposes, their world. What they know is what I know. What they feel is based on what I do (and could result in severe boredom). Who wants that responsibility, live?

Note the hypocrisy, in that I want to write, and in essence, create worlds for people to experience, yet I can’t/won’t do it face to face. That live sensation is too overwhelming.
Hell, if I was telling you all this right now face to face, I’d probably be very embarrassed and blushing a bit.