Sleepless Dreaming

It strikes me that around this time last year, I was losing sleep due to stress. Well, it is happening again. I have been waking up at five in the morning, then four, then three thirty. Last night, I went to sleep around ten thirty, woke up around three or so. Tossed and turned for several hours, then managed to get in a dream-filled hour of sleep from six to seven. The only reason I know that I was dreaming was because my dream was drastically different from what I was thinking about for the three prior hours, surreal, almost intangible.

This concerns me. Last year, I lost sleep because of worry over work. I could not believe how poorly I was doing (so I thought). It turned out that I was doing alright for the most part, and that I just had to learn from my one error. It also was necessary for me to get away from myself, if you will. I let the client take advantage of the situation, and should not have done so, not without taking a stand.

Now that a year has passed, I have learned, but I also am in a somewhat similar situation, and have to rise to the occasion. Like bread. Delicious banana bread. Mmmm. Maybe I should eat before typing these blog posts. At any rate, most of my life has been lived in the shadows of others, peeking out from behind the curtain, and so on. Now, events are conspiring to force me into a more active role. I have to be bold. I have to be a leader.

It is no secret that I am shy, or at least that I think I am shy. It is no secret that I am perfectly content to let others lead the way, and for me to follow. I follow, that is what I do. But, apparently, I cannot abide by that forever. Well, I could, if this life were to remain static, if I continued to be the same person that I have been. And I cannot. Not good enough for everyone else, and not good enough for me. R.Y. probably put it best when he told me, "Be yourself. Just be a better yourself."

I am now fully three years removed from my post-graduate education. "They" say that when you get out of a long-term relationship, you need at least the same amount of time to get over it. Am I ever going to forget it? No, no matter how much I drink. Maybe it is time to move on, however. That part of my life is done, it has shaped me. I still don't like it, but I accept that I went, and I grudgingly accept that I am qualified to be a lawyer. It closed off a lot of opportunities, but it also, in its way, made my life better (though incredibly indirectly).

With that in mind, it is probably also time to step up and take on this responsibility. I may always hear the taunting voices in the back of my head saying that I cannot, but then, why can't I just listen to the voice next to me saying that I can? Those voices are from the past, more things I need to believe behind. What I need to listen to is the voice from here and now.

Still going to lose sleep over it.