Demean Yourself, Part 2

Several speakers welcome us to their little shindig. Words are spoken that cannot be unspoken. I sort of feel bad at not remembering the exact words, but the gist revolved around having pride in yourself since you've almost made it, and not being a complete jackass. Chief Judge Bell, of the Maryland Court of Appeals (the highest court in the state) also speaks. This will not be the last time I hear him in my life, in this week even. Hopefully I will never have to appear before him in a legal capacity, client or counselor. His mustache is so bushy, it may be mistaken for a small woodland animal, perhaps a squirrel?

They have divided us up into fifteen small groups, and we are sent forth to our rooms. If you want to skip the next few paragraphs, I will sum up the day's lessons right here, right now. It is ok, the words will continue to inhabit this space, whether you read them or not. You can skip down to the bold lettering: CONTINUE READING HERE.

-Be nice to everyone.
-Treat your fellow lawyers with respect.
-Do not lie.
-Always talk to your clients.
-Do not be a jackass.

There, I saved you five hours of my life.

Our first speaker held the title of "Master." This is apparently some reference to juvenile court, according to C.S. Based on the link, he is correct. I do not know, and cared not enough to find out. He showed us a video on how to comport yourself during litigation. This video is so old, the term "little darlin'" is used to refer to a female lawyer.

The second session duo were fairly nondescript. The judge was quite elderly, hair whiter than clean linoleum. They did make us introduce ourselves by stating our names, where we attended school, and what we practiced. Naturally, since this is a professionalism course, and I will be working with these people for the rest of my life, here is what I said: "Hi, I'm James Chang [not my real name]. I graduated from Maryland. I currently work in entertainment, but I hope to get into admiralty."

Our third lecture, the duo dated themselves. Not in the homosexual fashion of holding hands and dancing, but in the chronological fashion of showing how elderly they are. They showed us a clip from the movie "Nuts," starring Barbara Streisand and Richard Dreyfuss. What elevated this beyond normal embarrassment to the realm of cringing embarrassment was the portrayal of a legal system long since outdated. Lawyers were more freelancers, relying on judges to apportion out cases for them. Today’s discerning litigator will be hired directly by the client. If you work for the indigent, you will be assigned cases, but will also be paid a regular salary by the state. All this set up to ask us, "Who is the client?"

Further, one of our duo flashed a big, dripping smile when he started talking about the "secret" of the movie, that (spoiler) Barbara Streisand's character was molested by her father, and that was why she was having mental and emotional problems. (spoiler ends)
This is not funny. There are a great many things in this world you can, and should, laugh at. Child abuse, no. I like children, and am in many ways still a child. I identify with children. There is nothing fun about tearing away a child's naivete and innocence through sexual abuse. Why did our group leader smile so? Damned if I know.

At half past eleven, most normal gatherings would have given us lunch. The bar instead barraged us with several spiels about pro bono work and malpractice insurance for solo practitioners. Did you know that when your caseload is the lightest, malpractice insurance is the least expensive? I certainly did not. Intriguing, isn’t it?

Finally, the last class consisted of the topic of community. Somehow, both of our assigned speakers could not make it, so we had a completely unprepared balding man come in and give us the Socratic Method for forty minutes. (I am not trying to say that his bare pate meant he was unqualified to present to us. I am merely trying to say that he was both unprepared and balding, and that is coincidental. He could have been sporting a clown wig, poofed up to the ceiling, boasting all the colors of the rainbow. This would not change his uselessness. This is what our sixty-five dollars went towards? You, sir, shame yourself, and you shame us.)

“What does it mean to be involved in the community?” You tell us, you're the speaker. Even with fifteen minutes to prep, you should be able to come up with something, anything, better than what you did. At one point, he asked someone how they would help the community, and they responded by mentoring students. The jackass further asked how he would do that, and the guy responded, by mentoring students. It was sad, depressing, and a waste of all our time.

CONTINUE READING HERE.

The Bar Association claimed this professionalism course was necessary. All it taught me was that they could only find the arrogant few to come talk to us, and that the law really does consume your life. Several times we were warned to not let the law become the driving force in our life, as if the speakers had succumbed to that unholy thrill.

Before we left, we had to sign our names again. They made it clear if we did not sign, we would not receive credit. You can bet your sweet bippy I signed their sheet. As I stepped outside, pocket full of oranges, I looked back at the mighty throng, talking, discussing their futures. I know they will be just fine. Why? Because they will continue on with their lawyering, whether I acknowledge it or not. Whether or not I give it a second thought, they will continue to thrive.