The parking spots down in Florida are enormous. I could easily fit a Hummer in one with room to spare. It may well be a concession to the elderly. They remind me of kudzu, at least in their strength in numbers, as well as their omnipresence. Also, I have been eating lunch around five in the afternoon, and the restaurants stuffed with the aged and their families. On the beach, the elderly comprise a significant portion of the beachgoers. In the theater, they come in relative droves to watch "The Hangover." And yes, they carded me, though she said they card anyone under thirty. Small solace.
***
Having felt more comfortable with listening rather than speaking all my life, I have come to know what constitutes a normal response , and when a person is at ease or nervous. Pseudo-empathy and all that jazz. I also know how painfully shy I am. So, understand that when I say the hotel concierge is one of the most painfully awkward people I have ever met, "I ain't just whistlin' Dixie." After letting my raven tresses grow far too luxuriously, I needed a haircut, especially due to the baking Florida weather.
Hers is a fairly unremarkable face, square-jawed, wide face, off-green eyes, hair the color of dirty sand, braces capping nubbins of teeth. I asked her where I could get a haircut, and she told me there was a place down the street, and if I saw the Popeyes, that was too far. After confirming, then she told me the Red Lobster was too soon. There are a lot of chain restaurants down here. I spoke back what she just told
me, and she gave this loud and clipped horse whinny. When I turned to walk away, she called after that the mall was much too far.
In this moment, I could almost smell how desperate she was for me to stay. Awkward cocked smile, toothy grin, her voice quavering. I had to go. Was it cruel? A bit, considering that I could read her so easily. But I'm no saint, and (all together now) I don't like people. The fun part now is seeing her every couple of days, and seeing the washed-out loneliness in her eyes.
Wow, that was depressing.
***
Hangovers, as I understand them, are caused by dehydration shrinking the membrane surrounding the brain. Even if that is not the case, I gave myself a hangover or heat exhaustion on Saturday, evidenced by the headaches.
The bridge was a mile and a half over sapphire-blue water, and it was early. I ran, ran back, simple. Then, I walked to the beach, saw people in the distance, started hiking towards them. Hour later, I am busted. They seemed so much closer. I get a Gatorade and start heading back, ready to pass out. This is why you should think through your actions, kids.
So thirsty. I was out for almost four hours, sunburned the back of my neck, y'all, and had some nice migraine-esque headachery yesterday and today. Damnation.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Losing Grace
I have sent my prior novel out to the masses for commentary and ranting. Whilst I await its (bruised, bloody) return, I find myself needing to keep on writing, if for no other reason than to stave off the peculiar dreams I have when I do not write. Yes, when I forego writing for extended periods, my dreams take on a surreal (more-so), disturbing flavor. I think it is my subconscious trying to write. So, really, for me, writing protects me from my hopes and fears.
Strange, I know.
I have no idea when I figured that I wanted to write a trilogy of books, but at some point while writing "Saving Grace"/"Officer Redacted," I knew there would be enough for at least a few novels. Plus, it is easier to write another story using the same characters and setting, rather than create an all new world. Hence, the book I have tentatively titled "Losing Grace." By this, the third novel will be tentatively titled "Finding Grace."
Much as how "The Sound and the Fury" was all about Caddie without her being directly in the novel, I like to envision "Saving Grace" as being all about John Roland, though the connection is much more direct. After all, Rollie's entire motivation for investigating is ultimately John Roland. John Roland crops up constantly as Rollie refuses to allow everyone in the novel to let him go, because he cannot let Roland go. On its face, the story is about this dual investigation, both Masker's and Roland's murder, but both lead back to the same man, Robin Flaherty. That is not even an issue, it is evident fairly early on that the murderer is obvious. Once the story concludes, Rollie has purchased peace for John Roland, but only at the cost of upheaving his own world.
The main themes of "Officer Redacted" are duality of nature, and the effect of memory on identity. The duality is throughout, as most of the locations, and many of the people/cartoons, have been repurposed from their original role. A hotel becomes a mental asylum, a theater a police headquarters, an abandoned subway actually an extensive slum for second class citizens. Cartoon characters become mobsters, a children's show host a private investigator, a brilliant cop now a base criminal.
The memory theme is probably more subtle, maybe to the point of not being noticeable. However, what Rollie remembers, he feels makes him what he is. Since no one shares his memories, no one is willing to share in his delusion? belief? that he is Roland reincarnated. Indeed, memories throughout of John Roland paint a faint picture of this man, one that everyone is willing to believe more so than proof in front of them. In the end, I like to think that I hint at the possibility that it is the memories you make, not the ones you inherit, that contribute to who and what you are. In effect, All the characters are responsible for their identities, they shape their own destinies, even Rollie.
Things change between "Officer Redacted" and "Losing Grace." Six months elapse, Rollie takes on a new profession, and a minor character dies due to foul play. It starts at a funeral, very near where "Officer Redacted" began, as they eulogize their fallen comrade, friend, family member. Captain Rackers is that much closer to death, the cancer taking its toll, as cancer tends to do. And she feels the need to find Detective White's murderer, avenge him. And so it is that with a somewhat rude trick, and a bit of guilt, Rackers convinces Rollie to take up his trench coat and gun, and help with the investigation.
"Losing Grace" will be about Captain Rackers, just as "Officer Redacted" concerned itself with John Roland. A middle-aged women in a male-dominated profession, sacrificing the external trappings of femininity to become head of a department of men, now stricken with breast cancer, losing even more of her traditional feminine characteristics, and becoming even colder and withdrawn in an attempt to deal with it. She knows that death will come soon for her, and her last act before she passes on will be to find the cop killer. At the same time, in doing this, she will have been revealed to be all alone, giving up so much to try to do this.
I originally wanted to follow her instead of Rollie throughout the novel, make it even more of a police procedural, the good captain running the department, dealing with bureaucracy and fellow counterparts in different aspects of the city. However, I do not think I could do her justice. I am not a good enough writer to follow from her perspective, in a real manner, and/or I am afraid to try because there are aspects of her that ring too true to events in my life, and I would rather not confront them. Besides, observing at a distance can sometimes reveal so much more, right? Right?
Captain Rackers' journey, and I believe one of the main themes of this story, will be letting go. In her case, it will be letting go of her fear of hurting others, learning to lean on others, learning that it is OK to be strong all the time, but it is also OK to fall into someone's shoulder in the dead of night and whisper all the words you could not say during the day, for fear of exposing them to daylight. It will be letting go of her need to be better, at the cost of who she is. People are not necessarily born cold, they become that way, and it is what Rackers has had to do in order to be respected. In the end, it will be letting go of life, and embracing her mortality. After all, people do not live forever, and sometimes that is a simple, painful lesson to swallow.
For right now, I cannot envision one off the top of my head, but if there is to be a second theme, it would have to be hope. Hope that you can enforce the laws to bring a tenuous peace to the populace, hope that everyone can work together, hope that tomorrow will be a little better than today, which was a little better than yesterday. Hoping that the good in others triumphs over the long term, even should it stumble in the short term. Hope that there will be some sort of resolution.
I have a few pages in a journal, and a head full of ideas. I do not know where I want, or need, this story to go, aside from the fact that I know the man that killed Detective White is a serial killer, starting a string of murders, and that in the end, Rackers will die. And this story could go anywhere from this point. "Officer Redacted" started out as a daydream I had of two men fighting in the belly of a whale, the story of Jonah as reimagined by Michael Bay. The image that inspires this coming story is that of Rollie speaking at Captain Rackers' funeral, dead and dying leaves blowing in the chill winter air.
Maybe "Losing Grace" is a more appropriate title for this story than I initially imagined. After all, just because you lose grace, suffer a loss of faith, does not mean you cannot find it again. Oftentime, I struggle with the concept of K. T. the writer, and wonder why I even try. Then, I sit down and do something like this, and it makes me believe that I might be good enough to pull this off. Who knows? I've had a lot of fun doing this, and hopefully you will have a lot of fun reading it after you buy it in a store.
Strange, I know.
I have no idea when I figured that I wanted to write a trilogy of books, but at some point while writing "Saving Grace"/"Officer Redacted," I knew there would be enough for at least a few novels. Plus, it is easier to write another story using the same characters and setting, rather than create an all new world. Hence, the book I have tentatively titled "Losing Grace." By this, the third novel will be tentatively titled "Finding Grace."
Much as how "The Sound and the Fury" was all about Caddie without her being directly in the novel, I like to envision "Saving Grace" as being all about John Roland, though the connection is much more direct. After all, Rollie's entire motivation for investigating is ultimately John Roland. John Roland crops up constantly as Rollie refuses to allow everyone in the novel to let him go, because he cannot let Roland go. On its face, the story is about this dual investigation, both Masker's and Roland's murder, but both lead back to the same man, Robin Flaherty. That is not even an issue, it is evident fairly early on that the murderer is obvious. Once the story concludes, Rollie has purchased peace for John Roland, but only at the cost of upheaving his own world.
The main themes of "Officer Redacted" are duality of nature, and the effect of memory on identity. The duality is throughout, as most of the locations, and many of the people/cartoons, have been repurposed from their original role. A hotel becomes a mental asylum, a theater a police headquarters, an abandoned subway actually an extensive slum for second class citizens. Cartoon characters become mobsters, a children's show host a private investigator, a brilliant cop now a base criminal.
The memory theme is probably more subtle, maybe to the point of not being noticeable. However, what Rollie remembers, he feels makes him what he is. Since no one shares his memories, no one is willing to share in his delusion? belief? that he is Roland reincarnated. Indeed, memories throughout of John Roland paint a faint picture of this man, one that everyone is willing to believe more so than proof in front of them. In the end, I like to think that I hint at the possibility that it is the memories you make, not the ones you inherit, that contribute to who and what you are. In effect, All the characters are responsible for their identities, they shape their own destinies, even Rollie.
Things change between "Officer Redacted" and "Losing Grace." Six months elapse, Rollie takes on a new profession, and a minor character dies due to foul play. It starts at a funeral, very near where "Officer Redacted" began, as they eulogize their fallen comrade, friend, family member. Captain Rackers is that much closer to death, the cancer taking its toll, as cancer tends to do. And she feels the need to find Detective White's murderer, avenge him. And so it is that with a somewhat rude trick, and a bit of guilt, Rackers convinces Rollie to take up his trench coat and gun, and help with the investigation.
"Losing Grace" will be about Captain Rackers, just as "Officer Redacted" concerned itself with John Roland. A middle-aged women in a male-dominated profession, sacrificing the external trappings of femininity to become head of a department of men, now stricken with breast cancer, losing even more of her traditional feminine characteristics, and becoming even colder and withdrawn in an attempt to deal with it. She knows that death will come soon for her, and her last act before she passes on will be to find the cop killer. At the same time, in doing this, she will have been revealed to be all alone, giving up so much to try to do this.
I originally wanted to follow her instead of Rollie throughout the novel, make it even more of a police procedural, the good captain running the department, dealing with bureaucracy and fellow counterparts in different aspects of the city. However, I do not think I could do her justice. I am not a good enough writer to follow from her perspective, in a real manner, and/or I am afraid to try because there are aspects of her that ring too true to events in my life, and I would rather not confront them. Besides, observing at a distance can sometimes reveal so much more, right? Right?
Captain Rackers' journey, and I believe one of the main themes of this story, will be letting go. In her case, it will be letting go of her fear of hurting others, learning to lean on others, learning that it is OK to be strong all the time, but it is also OK to fall into someone's shoulder in the dead of night and whisper all the words you could not say during the day, for fear of exposing them to daylight. It will be letting go of her need to be better, at the cost of who she is. People are not necessarily born cold, they become that way, and it is what Rackers has had to do in order to be respected. In the end, it will be letting go of life, and embracing her mortality. After all, people do not live forever, and sometimes that is a simple, painful lesson to swallow.
For right now, I cannot envision one off the top of my head, but if there is to be a second theme, it would have to be hope. Hope that you can enforce the laws to bring a tenuous peace to the populace, hope that everyone can work together, hope that tomorrow will be a little better than today, which was a little better than yesterday. Hoping that the good in others triumphs over the long term, even should it stumble in the short term. Hope that there will be some sort of resolution.
I have a few pages in a journal, and a head full of ideas. I do not know where I want, or need, this story to go, aside from the fact that I know the man that killed Detective White is a serial killer, starting a string of murders, and that in the end, Rackers will die. And this story could go anywhere from this point. "Officer Redacted" started out as a daydream I had of two men fighting in the belly of a whale, the story of Jonah as reimagined by Michael Bay. The image that inspires this coming story is that of Rollie speaking at Captain Rackers' funeral, dead and dying leaves blowing in the chill winter air.
Maybe "Losing Grace" is a more appropriate title for this story than I initially imagined. After all, just because you lose grace, suffer a loss of faith, does not mean you cannot find it again. Oftentime, I struggle with the concept of K. T. the writer, and wonder why I even try. Then, I sit down and do something like this, and it makes me believe that I might be good enough to pull this off. Who knows? I've had a lot of fun doing this, and hopefully you will have a lot of fun reading it after you buy it in a store.
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